i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
