i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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