Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
