I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
