I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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