The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
