I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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