Don't make out with my wife yet
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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