Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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