marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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