Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
