my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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