I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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