I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
