i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
