the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
