your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
