Kiss
Puke
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
