It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
