the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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