so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
