we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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