Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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