my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
