she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
