Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
