I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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