I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
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She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
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Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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