@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
