Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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