He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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