Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
