Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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