You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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