my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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