Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
