Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
