I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
