she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize