You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize