I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
