Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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