just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Pooping to opera.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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