I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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