i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
