you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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