Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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