I accidentally burped into my bong.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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