Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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