Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
