4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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