so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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