I will die if light touches me.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
