You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
