I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
our cab driver is having phone sex.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
