god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
