do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
